Shiver across a body
A toss and turn
A parasitical worm.
Yawn inside a tired
Mind and sleepless
Eyes, shut them.
Hide inside a hive
Of thought-bees
-honey-dreams and nightmares.
Climb above the blood
And shit, we're more than this
The soul is more.
Grimace because the furnace
Is the perfect size for a head,
Better off, better off, better off, better off
Alive than dead, alive than-
Hurtle through dead-lands
Whispered reality-deserts
Desert lies.
What if there's nothing?
If there's no reason?
No meaning to stay?
No answer to why?
No, I know.
I know that no is the only response
To sudden, hurtling off-route,
An invitation off-piste.
I must, I must remember music,
Lights and memories but
That voice
who is it?
Who, who, who
Was that, is this...
Matter over mind over climb over stomach
I want to vomit life juice.
The beetle crawls across a rotten apple
And all I think of is that blue vial, purple potion bottle
It holds the key: the dream river I keep at bay
The dam is down and there's nowhere for it to stay
Why did I open the trunk?
I should have left it locked
But salt and regret and something that I can't name
The nameless vacuous hole
The void that can only be described as a lack of
But the lacking has a presence and it's purple
And I don't have words for it
But for a nothing it screams so loud
It weighs so much
It laughs at my woe and tickles me hysterically...
Understandably; I writhe in pain.
Now it's leaving.
It doesn't slam the door.
It fades into air,
I blink tears away,
And start to feel as before.
Lick dry lips.
Wipe eyes with jumper sleeve.
Zone in to audiobook again.
Deep breath, no lead in chest.
Neck untenses, I didn't realise I was straining.
Colours and shapes are familiar and make sense, now.
I didn't realise I was blind.
Thank god,
Survived once more,
I'm almost alright again now,
Im sure, I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sure.
I wrote this on my phone as I lay in my bed in the middle of the day feeling completely overwhelmed with emotion and a sense of doom and despair. Nothing particularly bad had happened but I felt a heavy weight dragging me down and a very real pain that was like iron hands squeezing my heart and punching me in the chest. I decided that I'd document exactly how I was feeling every few minutes of this 'episode' and this poem is exactly what came from that. A glimpse into the darkness and pain of my mind during these short but scary depressive episodes."